I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Randomize
