Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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