I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
