Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
