I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
