so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I will be naked everywhere
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
