you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Can I color on your dick again?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
