so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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