the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
