i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
