I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You ate ashes out of my bong
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
