I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
