Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
