Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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