I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
