somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize