My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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