I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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