i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
