All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
