i need an iv and a liver transplant
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
