She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
