So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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