And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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