she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
