You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
