I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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