if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
