Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
did i walk over a car last night?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
