If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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