If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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