Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
