I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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