Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
