im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
