Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
