So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
