I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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