I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
