shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
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