i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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