he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
