I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
