Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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