I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
