So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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