I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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