i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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