last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
