I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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