I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize
