I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
