i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
