after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
nutella sex= disaster
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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