Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
