Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Let's paint friendship bongs
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
