My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize