I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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