Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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