He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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