I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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