sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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