i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
