why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I intend to get homeless drunk
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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