I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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