I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
