Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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