I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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