my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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