i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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